Here is the second installment of my popular series “Things I Would Like to Have, But Am Unlikely to Buy for Myself.”
Perhaps you missed the first installment? Catch up at Times A-Wastin.
In this series, I am exploring possible gifts one might like to buy me for my March 21st birthday…or any other time.
1. Retractable Steel Baton
It’s not that I need a baton because I live in some sort of crime-ridden, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
"Nah, Snake, I don't need protection. I've got this retractable baton."
I just feel–like with so many things–that my quality of life would greatly increase were I in possession of a retractable steel baton.
“What’s that, punk??” WHAPHA! {Steel baton removed from purse or pocket, expanded, and rapped upon the kneecaps}
2. Sunglasses
My junior year of high school I bought a pair of Ray-Ban Aviators. I wore them all four years of college, and my tenure ended when they were stolen at a house party in my first few months of living in DC. My sadness was intense.
Look, a cannon!
Rather than replacing my beloved eye shields with another pair of Aviators, I switched to the now popular Wayfarers, in tortoise shell. That was the spring of 2006, I still wear the same pair. The hilarious thing: I don’t love my Wayfarers. The tortoise shell is a little too dark, the top rims are too flat–making my eyebrows a little too stern, and they slant inward, which bugs me. Even with these blaring defects, I have yet to find a pair of sunglasses I like better. They are too big, too small, too garish, not garish enough, or too expensive.
This first pair is mostly perfect, but they are Oliver Peoples, and at $325, they are a little out of my price range.
Nice, right?
This pair (below) is Ray-Ban’s re-imagined Wayfarer. They have fixed all the problems I have with the original and they are in my price range, but they only have the polarized ones in the stores–I hate polarized glasses–and I can’t bring myself to buy them online without trying them on.
Practically perfect in every way
However, I wouldn’t mind if you bought them and gave them to me. That would be acceptable.
3. Shetland Pony
For years I have been asking for the same thing: a pink pony. As a fully cognizant adult, I realize that ponies do not come in pink, so I am willing to settle for a white pony…
His name will be Sir Dancelot, but I will call him Dancer.
…and an economy-sized box of pink Rit Pony-Dye. I imagine you can probably find it at your local Fred’s.
4. House Slippers
At some point in the last few years, I purchased two pairs of slippers. At some point in the last few months, one of each of these slippers has disappeared.
I live in a very small house, with very little storage, and therefore very few places for things to hide. For a while, I looked for my slippers a little while each morning, as though they ran off and then–like the prodigal son–returned, humbled by the hardships of outside life. Eventually, I gave up hope, and started wearing the remaining slippers as though they were a matching pair.
Hello friends!
While I have no problem with this–in fact, as they are shoes for the appropriate feet, I think it is fate–, my roommate is constantly affronted by my slippers.
Anywho, I could use a new pair.
I hope this second installment of “Things I Would Like to Have, But Am Unlikely to Buy for Myself” helped with your gift ideas! Please check back for more gift ideas, exciting recipes, and hilarious anecdotes from me, Martha, here at WILDCATS SURPRISE BADGERS. I appreciate your patronage.
