WILDCATS SURPRISE BADGERS!

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com or www.marthatinkler.com

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Memphis, TN – Today, from her Memphis office, Martha Tinkler introduced a groundbreaking new piece of literature via her wildly successful website–marthatinkler.com, Wildcats Surprise Badgers. Despite the overwhelming international praise, Ms.Tinkler decided to stray from her traditional prose/picture/recipe blogging style.

“There comes a time in every writer’s life when she must explore the poetry of life.” Tinkler explained. “This is my time. The recipe, the day, the year…they all seemed to speak in the same voice, my voice. The words I wrote were just an expression of that voice.”

In her blog post Stuff I Had Handy for Lunch and for Dinner, Ms.Tinkler used rhyme and meter to better express the feelings behind the soup, rather than just the soup and its ingredients.

“This meal is so much more than a meal,” effused Tinkler. “It is an song of my inner-most, food-based feelings.”*

Tinkler attributes her recent interest in poetry to “the change in the weather,” “the tears of children,” and an excess of time in her daily schedule. Due to the busy nature of her schedule for the next few weeks, and her lack of proper attire**, it is unlikely that such inspiration will occur again soon, if ever.

Ms.Tinkler declined to choose her favorite poets, insisting that “it would be like choosing a favorite snowflake.” When pressed, however, she named works by Edna St. Vincent Millay, Robert Frost, Jack Prelutsky, and the Bible as those that influenced her most.

a.a.h.e.

*Ms.Tinkler in no way wishes to distract from the tasty and nutritional value of the meal in question. It is both delicious and nutritious.
**Though Ms.Tinkler has outfitted herself with “writerly” clothes (tweed jackets, Mandarin collars, navy and gray sweaters, etc.), she is not yet equipped with the “poetic” wardrobe (linen tunics, flowing skirts and dresses, “global”-themed clothes) required for such a career.

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

Monday, January 15, 2007

TINKLER TEACHES TOLERANCE

Washington, D.C.- Martha Tinkler, cultural emissary and long-time proponent of diversity and enlightenment, used this memorial holiday to teach others the valuable lessons of tolerance and understanding.

“I think that it is important that we use this holiday as a chance for personal growth,” Tinkler said in a late afternoon phone interview. “I try to teach by example and do something extra-tolerant every year on this day.”

With her day off, Ms. Tinkler chose to practice tolerance and diversity in the following ways:

“It is the little changes in every day life that make the biggest difference,” explained Tinkler. “Though tolerance often requires sacrifice, it is all worth it when you see the affect you have had on others.”

a.a.h.e.

*Truly, cultural enlightenment comes in many forms.

{Happy Thanksgiving! I wish you Turkey-Butt from me and all of Team Tinkler.}

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 24, 2006

ERA OF TURKEY-BUTT™

Lincoln, MA- In a surprise announcement yesterday, Martha Tinkler instituted a new Thanksgiving tradition for Team Tinkler ™. In the phone announcement was limited to the Tinkler siblings alone, Ms. Tinkler described her plan as being similar to the tradition of “Christmas Gift” with Daddy’s siblings. Like in the “Christmas Gift” tradition, each family member must answer ever phone call on Thanksgiving with the same phrase. The main differences between the two plans are: (1) this is a Thanksgiving centered tradition, and (2) the phrase will be “Turkey-butt ™” instead of “Christmas Gift.”

“I think that we need new family traditions that fit us,” Martha explained. “And I don’t know what says Tinkler Thanksgiving more than ‘turkey-butt ™’. Also, frankly, I don’t think we’re nearly obsessed enough with ourselves, or the word butt.”

Ms. Tinkler’s initiative came as a direct result of the Tinkler-diaspora that was this year’s Thanksgiving.

a.a.h.e.

{To kick off the holiday season,  here is one of my favorite–and most heartfelt–press releases. Enjoy!}

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 20, 2006

FIRM BAKEOFF WON BY ANGRY TROLL

Washington, DC - In an emotional speech today, Martha Tinkler conceded in the Van Pelt Merriman LLC Holiday Bakeoff. Instead of the made-from-scratch Apple Nut Cupcakes with Italian Cream Rum Frosting,  which Tinkler had perfected through several practice batches, the firm employees chose no-bake mini cheesecakes with store-bought fruit topping.

The mini cheesecakes were made by Tammi Belk* of Waldorf, or somewhere else, Maryland. Ms. Belk is generally considered to be the most unpleasant person in the entire office. She is a chain smoker, and is often described as troll-like.

“Ew, she won?” One dissenting voter commented, “I’m glad I didn’t try one of her mini-cheesecakes, they probably had old cigarettes in them, or razor blades.”

Ms. Tinkler, however, took the defeat in stride, and even went out of her way to congratulate Ms. Belk on her job well done. Belk commented that they had only taken about 30 minutes to make, and the recipe had come from an old issue of Readers Digest she found in the break room on Friday. Conversely, Martha started testing recipes over a month ago.  She tried different recipes from several sources before deciding on cake and frosting recipes from Mrs. Sarah Montgomery of Vero Beach, Florida, Tinkler’s aunt. Tinkler carefully tested several kinds of fresh, local apples and nuts for the cake, before deciding on HoneyCrisp apples and toasted pecans.  Once topped with the dark rum flavored frosting, the cupcakes were arranged on a gold platter with beautiful fall leaves, dried apples, and fresh pecans. The winning recipe sat on an undecorated paper plate.

“I was thrilled with my entry,” Tinkler said in her speech. “But, hey, they can’t all be winners**. I have taken away some valuable lessons from this experience… and at least 3 pounds of cupcake weight.”

Tinkler plans on taking a brief hiatus from baking, before resuming her endeavours for savory Holiday baskets.

For cake or frosting recipes, please contact Martha Tinkler:  martha.tinkler@gmail.com

a.a.h.e.

*Names have been changed to protect the wretched.

**Tinkler later revised her stance later in the speech, stating that “in a bakeoff, everyone wins.” And isn’t that the truth!

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 8, 2006

IT’S A VERY SMITHY THANKSGIVING

Washington, DC- In a brief mid-morning statement, Martha Tinkler’s office announced that she will be spending Thanksgiving in the Boston area this year. Instead of travelling to her country home in the Tennessee delta, or staying in her Capitol Hill residence, Ms. Tinkler decided today to spend the holiday with the Smiths of Lincoln, Massachusetts.

Martha is acquainted to the Smith family through their eldest child Abby, who attended Tulane University with Ms. Tinkler. They also have a son, Sam, who is a junior at Colorado College. Tinkler stayed with the Smiths during the 2004 Christmas season.

“It is perplexing,” Tinkler said this morning. “I genuinely do not understand why such a kind, loving, normal family would want me in their midst… again. Apparently they don’t fear me spreading ‘the crazy’*.”

Ms. Tinkler will arrive in Boston late Wednesday evening and depart Sunday morning. While in the area, Martha also hopes to see the Snyders of Sherborn and the Joneses of Middleton. The Christmas holiday will be celebrated with her family in Tennessee.

a.a.h.e.

*Ms. Tinkler did not mean to imply that she or anyone in her family suffers from a mental illness or a contagious disease; she was speaking in a strictly metaphorical sense. Nor does she believe that mental illness is “spreadable.” In fact, medical and psychological studies conclusively prove that insanity is not contagious. Ms. Tinkler’s heart goes out to all those who suffer from mental illness and she fully supports any advances in its treatment. Additionally, she does not encourage the use of the phrase “the crazy” when referring to people who suffer from mental illness. Ms. Tinkler was using a colloquialism common in her native Brighton.

For more information on diagnosing and treating mental illness please contact the American Psychological Association at (800) 374-2721
(202) 336-5500 or visit their website http://www.apa.org

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 13, 2006

PRINCE OF HAWAII TO VISIT CAPITOL HILL

Washington, DC – Martha Tinkler announced the long-awaited visit of friend His Royal Highness Prince Paul of Honolulu. Griffing is planning to spend two nights in Washington, D.C. beginning Friday, November, 17, 2006.

Paul Griffing, currently residing in New York City, NY, is heir-apparent to the throne of Hawaii. Though it has been a republic since 1894 and attained U.S. statehood in 1959, Hawaii still maintains a little known and not formally recognized, but still mildly influential monarchy.* Griffing and Ms. Tinkler were both members of the exclusive organization, “The Nucleus,” at Tulane University.

“Of course I am very excited to have my long-time friend come to visit,” Tinkler said in today’s statement. “But it is also a huge honor and responsiblity to serve as host to such an important and historic figure. I just hope I am up to the task. I don’t even really know how to prepare; I will definitely need more vodka.”

Prince Paul will be staying with Ms. Tinkler at her Capitol Hill residence during his stay in Washington. When asked for comment, his majesty released a written statement that appeared to be written in an undecipherable code, or possibly just typed while wearing boxing gloves.

While visiting, Griffing will also be researching a novel he is working on, which is set in Washington.

a.a.h.e .

* Not entirely true. For real, factual information about Hawaii please contact the Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau at (808) 523-8802, or visit their website: http://www.hvcb.org/

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 2, 2006

DOCTOR DENIES MARTHA’S SUSPICIONS

Washington, DC- In a routine visit today, Dr. Joel Ang, a general practitioner in the Dupont Circle area, denied the existence of several of Martha Tinkler’s self-diagnosed ailments. After blood tests and a thorough examination, Dr. Ang has ruled out many of the Ms. Tinkler’s suspicions.

“Martha seems to be pretty healthy,” Dr. Ang said today.”We will have to wait a few weeks for all of the blood tests to come back, but I doubt we will see any surprises there. Her blood sugar, cholesterol, and red/white blood cells are all at healthy levels. As far as her more serious concerns, I have never actually heard of swellitis-digitius, and I am pretty sure it doesn’t exist, and no, swollen fingers are not a symptom of brain cancer.”

Ailments/concerns that were ruled out in today’s visit:

• diabetes
• brain cloud
• edema
• carpal tunnel- though he recommended wrist guards at night just in case
• swellitis-digitius
• high cholesterol

Martha was relieved by today’s pronouncement.

“It is always nice to get professional opinions,” Tinkler said after her appointment. “Not that I really worry about that sort of thing, but it is a good idea to be tested pretty much everything you can imagine. I have another appointment in a few weeks, when all the blood tests are back, but Dr. Ang was pretty confident that I am could breathe easy until then.”

Ms. Tinkler spent the rest of the afternoon in the nearby Borders studying a Physician’s Desk Reference, just to be sure.

a.a.h.e.

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 7, 2006

Washington, DC- Martha Tinkler announced today that she has been selected as the top finalist for the title “Most Charming Person Alive.” Though the polls do not close until late this evening, Ms. Tinkler is considered the front-runner by most charm-pundits.

Since her nomination in early October, Martha has been the leading contender for this much-sought-after title, but recent events have all but secured her victory. In addition to her usual charming behavior, Martha seems to have been especially witty and amusing on her visit to New Orleans. The Tinkler office believes this upturn of charm contributed directly to her receiving a gift, via Fedex, from a BOY.

The gift, which was completely unsolicited and surprising, was comprised of a CD of Queen’s Greatest Hits and a DVD of the feature film Shawn of the Dead, which were wrapped together in a fancy bow. Said gift was sent by a 24-year-old male from Chalmette, LA, with whom Ms. Tinkler shared a delightful conversation and a few drinks. He is a known acquaintance of Ms. Lane R____ of New Orleans, but does not seem mentally unstable like many acquaintances of Ms. Robein. This unexpected treat is seen by the Tinkler camp as a direct result of Martha’s charming personality.

“This is all very unexpected,” Ms. Tinkler said today. “I mean, the nomination alone was too much. Now this completely unexpected present from a suiter with a silly, yet endearing, yatty accent. It is a little overwhelming. I don’t mean to be so charming, it’s a gift, I guess…and a curse.”

Tinkler’s campaign later released a statement making it clear that Martha in no way believes in curses or any type of witchcraft, sorcery. She assures her readers that she is not using anything other than prayer and her love of Jesus to help her win this title.

Results of this competition will be posted as soon as they are available.

a.a.h.e.

For Immediate Release
Contact: Martha Tinkler
martha.tinkler@gmail.com

November 1, 2006

TINKLER DECLARES NEW ORLEANS STILL FUN, ADOPTS NEW FRIEND

Washington, DC- After her three day humanitarian campaign in New Orleans, Martha Tinkler announced today that the Crescent City can still bring ‘da’ fun. In a written statement, (she was unable to speak in public due to extreme fatness, the bloat, a hangover, and general fatigue) Ms. Tinkler pronounced her trip to be a rousing success.

“It felt like coming home,” she said in her statement. Martha later qualified her statement by explaining that to her, home means a squalid area that is populated with drunken idiots and crazies.

Ms. Tinkler’s trip was accentuated by a day-long outing to the VooDoo Music Festival, where she was surrounded by people ‘”taking the pot.” In addition to seeing several bands, including The Flaming Lips, Kings of Leon, and Juvenile, Martha enjoyed a set played by Duran Duran, after which the lead singer Simon invited her back to the trailer …for drinking. Due to her busy schedule, she had to decline the offer, but she appreciated it nonetheless.

While at the festival, Tinkler decided, after much deliberation and soul-searching, to adopt one Kristi Gustavson as a best friend after seeing the neglect and abandonment inflicted upon Ms. Gustavson by Sarah Tinkler, the former best friend, and sister of Martha. Once again, Marf put her humanitarian causes ahead of her personal comforts.

“I do already have several best friends and I certainly was not looking for another,” Martha said in her statement. “It is hard to have as many friends as I do, but when I saw the pain in Kristi’s eyes, I knew what had to be done.”

Martha was delighted with her trip as a whole, and contemplated very seriously not returning to DC, the city that never stops sucking. It pained her to leave her beloved sister, and beloved new-best-friend-Kristi. Though Martha does not have any current plans to return to New Orleans, she assured her public that she would be back soon, and plans to keep her word.

“I know what it means to miss New Orleans,” said Ms. Tinkler, in a moment of near-sincerity.

a.a.h.e.

Dear Readers,

Starting today, I will be periodically posting past press releases for posterity.  (How ’bout that alliteration?) Please do not be alarmed, you have not traveled through time. It is not 2006-2007. These are old releases. Some of them are less polished than others. Bear in mind that many of these were written before I enjoyed the massive following I do today. They were written in hard times, and only for immediate family and friends.  Though now, I consider you all my family…and not just because only my family cares to read this.

Read and judge them at your leisure.

Look at me! I'm Robert Gibbs!

I included this photo of me in the White House press room in 2006, because I would like for you to think I am fancy and important.

Kisses,

Martha